1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me… Because you know, I, God, am a jealous little controlling psychopath.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image… But if you must, please, Instagram that shit.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain… Jesus Fucking Christ, do I really need to be telling you idiotic cows this?
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy… Unless the football match is on, then fuck it!
5. Honour thy father and thy mother… because you ruined their sex life the moment you were conceived.
6. Thou shalt not kill… Only I, the Almighty, can do that – especially the homos, kill the bum boys!
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery… But by all means, take a few wives, heck, chain the bitches up and call them “concubines”.
8. Thou shalt not steal… because stealing a loaf of bread is worst than rape, which is absolutely fine by the way.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour… Once again, this neighbour shit is way more important than rape and pedophilia.
10. Thou shalt not covet… Because you can see, but you can’t touch. *smiley wink face*